The factor which makes emotional regulation particularly important in the modern screen dwelling work arena is that the boundary between personal and professional is often blurred.
Therefore, we need to learn to understand our emotions, how to carry them and how to find that balance between our emotional and professional life.
Emotions change from moment to moment, and that is natural. We all feel them.
However, how we interpret, express and regulate them can have a huge impact on our professional and personal life.
Having an ability to carry and deal with emotions creates a more balanced work experience for us and everyone who we collaborate with.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
- Emotional regulation refers to controlling an emotional experience through influencing the emotions we feel and how we express them.
- Emotional regulation helps us better navigate the emotion while it is happening, and change how we feel after experiencing it.
- Emotional regulation aids with both big and small emotions.
- Emotional regulation helps us take control of our experience of emotions, to reach positive outcomes, and improve our relationships, approach to work and general quality of life.
- Emotional regulation is not suppression, escapism or avoidance. It is a process of taking actions that influence the intensity of an emotion.
- Some people are better at regulating their emotions than others, but everyone can learn and improve their emotional intelligence.
- The key of emotional intelligence is being aware of both our emotional experience and the feelings of others.
- While people who are better at regulating their emotions seem naturally calm, they also experience intense emotions. They have just developed good strategies which help them regulate difficult emotions.
- Emotional regulation skills can be learned and built. With time, we will see how everything in our life and work begins to improve, including our mental and physical health.
- Therefore, we don’t only have to regulate our emotions to be socially acceptable, we do that to improve our own experience of life.
Difficulties In Emotional Regulation
There are many factors which hinder emotional regulation.
Mainly this is a lack of emotional regulation skills, paired with the exposure to stressful situations which lead to overwhelmingly powerful emotions.
Our beliefs about emotions and our ability to regulate them also have a big impact.
However, lack of emotional management skills can have a negative impact on the people around us - we have all said or done things we wish we didn't, when we were extremely sad or angry.
We all experienced other people hurting us while in an emotional outburst too - but we can only change ourselves.
Our inability to control our emotions also hurts ourselves.
A feeling of immense sadness can decrease our well-being and lead to more suffering that we need to go through.
Living with unresolved fear can get in our way of realizing our true potential, take risks or enjoy the full experience of life.
The Foundation of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional regulation is the base of developing our emotional intelligence.
To understand emotional regulations means learning how to recognize, interpret and control our emotions.
Therefore, we need to both understand our feelings and develop ways in which we react to them.
Learning emotional discernment is the first step. We need to see if they are only a fleeting irritation or something much deeper.
This process involves introspection, awareness and a conscious effort to prevent our emotional state from dictating our lives.
It requires effort, it is not something easy, especially in the beginning stages of learning.
When something is difficult it often leads to real, substantial change.
Rather than escaping or suppressing our emotions, regulating means we are acknowledging them, and consciously deciding what course of action would be best for us.
This gets us back to the driver’s seat of the car - rather than releasing the wheel and letting us take us to a pit or wherever.
Fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, and all other emotions are natural human responses to outside or inside stimuli. We should allow ourselves to feel them, rather than limiting our experience.
However, without emotional regulation skills, our feelings can cause negative outcomes, such as conflicts or impulsive decisions.
But mastering emotional regulation equips us to channel our feelings into something constructive.
For example, when we are angry, we can express our point without resorting to insult or violence. Or when we are stressed, instead of panicking and escaping, we can use this energy as a fuel for solving problems.
Emotional regulation skills
We will now go and present a number of potential emotional regulation skills and strategies.
Space
When we feel an emotional outburst, like sudden anger, the first, immediate thing we can do is to create space.
That simply means to pause, before we react.
We can take a moment to stop everything, and breathe.
In this manner, we are creating some space between the trigger point and our response, which will lessen the intensity of our response.
Notice
After taking that pause, we can notice how we feel.
We can observe where we feel an emotion in our body, what kind of a feeling it is. E.g. is it an upset stomach, tension in the neck? What kind of physical symptoms are happening in the body?
This can act both as a tool to see what you feel without judgment, and as a distraction, which also lessens intensity of emotion before reaction.
Naming
After we notice what we feel, we can try to name it. What would you call the emotion you are going through? Is it resentment, fear, disappointment, joy, excitement, fear, sadness, hope, expectation?
Fear is a strong emotion which often hides underneath others, so it is good to take some time to really pinpoint the emotion we are experiencing.
It is also normal to feel more than one emotion at a time, so you can name all the emotions you feel. Then, you can ask yourself, why do you feel that emotion? What makes you angry? What are you afraid of?
This type of observation and definition can help us share our emotions with others.
Accepting
Emotions are a normal response to life.
You don’t have to feel guilty when you feel negative emotions. It is natural to feel anger or fear. All emotions are valid.
This is a great moment to practice self-compassion, accepting that what you are going through is a normal human reaction.
Mindfulness
Everything we discussed until now leads us to the practice of mindfulness.
Mindfulness means we are actively observing and paying attention to what is happening right now.
Developing mindfulness skills can help us remain aware and avoid engaging in negative thought patterns while we are experiencing an emotion.
Further Emotional Regulation Strategies
Here are some further ways we can work on our ability to regulate emotions.
Identifying Triggers
Often, the same types of situations lead to the same type of emotions. These are called triggers.
It will be useful to start looking for patterns that are present when we start to feel strong emotions. This requires honest curiosity.
You might find out some things you don’t like about yourself or others, but this can help you improve your life in the long run.
Triggers are usually a result of past experiences, like traumas.
When we learn to identify our triggers, we can see if they carry too much weight and if we can reduce their importance.
Triggers are often so intense because they are caused by deep seated insecurities, most intense come from those we hide.
As soon as we recognize our triggers, we can work on lessening their intensity and impact on our lives.
For example, a CEO might feel extremely anxious while presenting to the team.
When reflecting on this trigger, they realize that anxiety comes from being criticized harshly by a teacher back in school during a presentation.
Understanding this trigger helps them understand her strong emotions whenever they have to present at work.
To cope, they can rehearse their presentations beforehand to boost their confidence and create positive presenting experiences which will help lessen their emotional response in the future.
The Inner Chatter
Often our emotions are intensified because of the stories we tell ourselves.
These stories are particularly intense when we need to “fill the blanks” due to lack of information about something.
For example, someone doesn’t immediately respond to your message, and you think they don’t care about you, and in reality they might have just had a busy or difficult day. Or maybe they simply forgot or did not have anything to say.
When you notice you are making these stories, it is good to approach it in this type of way, considering alternative narratives to your initial thought.
In this way, we are beginning to see others as imperfect human beings just as we are, which leads to healthier connections, and more peace of mind.
Positive Self-Talk
When we are experiencing overwhelming emotions, we can often engage in negative self talk.
This talk can be directed towards ourselves e.g. “I made a huge mistake, again, I am such a horrible person” or towards others “everyone is acting so bad towards me”.
We can try to observe and change these thoughts into something positive, and more realistic. For example “Yes I made a mistake, but Im just a human, and I do my best” or “others are doing the best they can”.
This type of practice can both help us cope with the emotion at hand, and improve our emotional responses in the long run.
Note - we can still feel the emotion, but we don’t have to assign blame, or generalize beyond the situation at hand, it is what it is.
Consciously Respond
Rather than reacting and lashing out, we can choose how we respond.
We can always respond consciously. Sometimes, responding consciously makes us feel worse than if we have just reacted.
For example, lashing out when we’re angry might help us release this energy, but it leads to harmful consequences.
This is something you can practice with every new emotion in the future. The fact we can choose how we respond is a powerful realization.
Especially when you start doing it, and see the huge impact it has on your relationship to yourself and others. It builds trust we have in ourselves and others.
Balance With The Positive
Negative emotions often carry more weight than positive emotions. This is called negativity bias and is normal in human beings.
We can train ourselves to notice positive emotions just as much, to create a more balanced and realistic view of ourselves and our lives.
With time, we begin to notice positive emotions more and more, and they begin to carry just as much weight.
Coregulation
Most of this article is created to equip you to self-regulate your emotions and to take the driver's seat to your life.
However, this is a difficult process.
Coregulation is just as important. Sometimes we need a partner to help us go through an emotion and to develop our self-regulation skills.
This can be our life partner, friend, or family member. We all need a safe, loving circle around us.
However, it is also good to have a therapist. They are trained and since they are not personally involved in our life they can see us more objectively: it is their job to aid us without projection and they have many tools which can help us learn to self-regulate.
Stay Mindful
As we briefly mentioned before, many of these skills come back to mindfulness. One of the best things we can do for our wellbeing is learning to observe, be in the present, just breathe and be in silence sometimes.
A consistent meditation practice will help you better understand yourself.
Then you can know which techniques best suit your given situation, and what long term strategies you can implement in your life for permanently improved emotional wellbeing.
With that, goodbye for now,
Kidipup.
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